Below is our tongue in cheek guide to commissioning your new, budget-friendly school website. We’ve taken inspiration from the Chancellor’s vision of thriftiness and fiscal responsibility to help you navigate these challenging financial times. Rest assured, this website will get the job done… mostly.

In light of the upcoming budget constraints, we understand that schools across the country are being asked to “do more with less”—and when it comes to your school website, the Chancellor has some very specific ideas.

Homepage: First Impressions Count (But Don’t Overdo It)

  • Banner: A simple greeting will suffice—something along the lines of, “Welcome to [Your School Name]: Proudly Stretching Resources Since [The Year Dot]”.
  • Ads for Revenue: We’ll integrate pop-up ads (non-skippable, of course) to generate much-needed extra income. Just like renting out school property to raise much needed revenue now you need to sweat all your digital pixel space as well. You may use ads for school supplies, teacher training, or the occasional “sponsored lesson plan.”
  • School Logo: Minimalist in the truest sense—our graphic designers will condense your logo to its core pixel count. Maximim 8-bit but greyscale preferred, just incase anyone stupidly tries to print it out in school and empties the printer of coloured ink which should never be used. Additional pixels are available on request, subject to budget allocation.
  • Color Scheme: Given the Chancellor’s concerns about unnecessary frills, doom loop of fiscal tightening please expect an “economy palette”—grey, grey, and more grey. Dark mode saves electric (or something like that!). Vibrant colors are reserved for special pages and logos, like the Ofsted Logo and compulsorary inspection page (Other government department logos may also be in colour).

Navigation: Streamlined for Simplicity

  • Menu: After a deep dive into what’s really essential, we have whittled the navigation down to key options:
    1. Homework: This will become essential as you will later find out! One link to rule them all—students can download a single PDF containing all homework for the academic year. Homework must be submitted online.
    2. Contact Us: Since email hosting fees can get out of hand, you’ll only need one contact: the school’s mailing address. Any urgent enquiries should be handled by good old-fashioned post. We need to prop up Royal Mail after all. It is an important institution.
    3. Donate: With funding for IT likely shrinking, the “Donate” button will take pride of place. This may be in a single bright colour. After all, why rely on government support?
    4. Homework Submission: Pay-per-click submission model at 10p per file upload. Each student is given a government-issued allowance of 5 uploads (to be reduced annually in line with inflation or something or other or just completely on the whim of some government minister – who knows). Teachers must maximise the opportunity to create and hand out homework to students across their schools to maximise income generated from pupils and this will become a key yard stick Ofsted will use. Those handing out the most homework will be considered outstanding.

Student Portal: Functionality on a Budget

  • Login: To keep costs low, students will log in using just their initials. Advanced security features like passwords are on hold until the next spending review and completely forget about multifactor authentication.
  • Homework Submission: A pioneering pay-per-click submission system! Each student receives 5 free uploads per term, and anything beyond that is just 10p per file. Teachers can download submissions during off-peak hours to avoid extra charges. If teachers wish to download the files during school hours a premium rather of 50p per download chargable to the teacher will apply. Directly deducted by the HMRC through PAYE.
  • Report Cards: In the spirit of transparency and thrift, students will receive low-resolution report cards. Grades will be displayed as single letters—no pluses or minuses, because why overcomplicate things? Full report details are available via our “Extended Results” add-on.

Parent Portal: Keeping Parents in the Loop (Just About)

  • Attendance Reports: Monthly reports will be presented in an easy-to-read pie chart with two slices: “Present” and “Not Present.” Further breakdowns are available for a nominal fee.
  • Messages from the School: Parents will receive automated updates with helpful, generalized messages like, “Your child is doing fine.” More personalized messages can be unlocked as part of our premium communication package.
  • School Calendar: A simplified events calendar—because let’s be honest, field trips are mostly out of the question now. Instead, we suggest “Virtual Learning Days,” saving the cost of buses and packed lunches. We recommend Google Maps Street view or virtual tourism on Google Earth – the world really is getting smaller!

Teacher Resources: A Minimalist’s Dream

  • Lesson Plans: We’ll provide one downloadable lesson plan per subject for the entire academic year. This reduces the need for constant updates and empowers teachers to get creative (within the strict confines of the curriculum, of course).
  • Interactive Features: Disabled by default to save on server costs. Teachers can submit a formal request to enable interactive tools—pending approval from the finance department and a review by the governing board.

Additional Features (Subject to Further Budget Reviews)

  • Loading Speeds: To promote a culture of patience, your website will have a built-in delay of 15–20 seconds per page load. This teaches students and parents to appreciate the finer things in life, like taking a moment to reflect.
  • Mobile Version: As mobile optimisation is considered a non-essential service and we will be banning mobile phones across all schools, the website will be available only on desktop browsers only. We recommend that parents and staff return to using desktop PCs (or possibly a typewriter).
  • Support: Our customer service team is available via an in-depth FAQ page. The sole question being: “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
  • School Website Content Updates by Pigeon We know you have become used to our rapid turn around of changes emailed to our support team. No longer dear friends. We cannot afford the electric or the email servers. If schools can no longer afford a full website update service, perhaps it’s time to consider an ancient solution—carrier pigeons will be dispatched from you to us with website updates tied to their feet. Guaranteed same-day delivery (weather permitting).
  • Text-Only Websites: The Budget-Friendly Future To save on server costs, schools will roll out all-text websites. No images, no fancy graphics—just pure, 1990s dial-up nostalgia. Parents better have their reading glasses handy!
  • Sponsored School Websites: Ads Galore To make ends meet, school websites will now feature ad space. Parents might have to click past adverts for everything from nappies to washing machines before they can get to the lunch menu. (Who doesn’t love a pop-up?)
  • Parents’ Evening via Morse Code As a cost-saving measure, schools will now communicate entirely via Morse code. For tech-savvy parents, this will involve deciphering the series of dots and dashes to access the parents’ evening booking system. No more friendly pupil keys or email reminders! Heck these things all cost money.
  • DIY School Website Builders – Coding in Reception! Why pay for website services when you can teach students as young as five to build and maintain the school website themselves? Forget finger-painting, it’s time to get those toddlers learning HTML and CSS!

With these budget-conscious features, you’ll have a Chancellor-approved school website that meets the strictest standards of cost efficiency, even if it doesn’t quite meet all the needs of a 21st-century school, your school community, DfE, Ofsted or Accessibility legislation. 😉

Sincerely,

The tongue in cheek IT Team @ iTCHYROBOT
Helping schools stay online since 2010

At iTCHYROBOT we provide schools with great looking, functionality packed websites to help them make the most out of their content to help improve, communications and admissions.

If you would like to talk about websites, please get in touch with the team via our contact page.